Being Whole, Healed and Forgiven - Part I

I’ll never forget attending a women’s conference in 2011. It was probably my first “real” women’s conference as an adult. I remember the host pastor going through the audience and laying hands and speaking over every woman. When she got to me, she touched my head, I lifted my hands to receive, and she said two words, “be healed!” I thought to myself, huh, what? The ride back home was very perplexing. I kept replaying those two words, “be healed,” “be healed.” God, surely she is not talking to me, that must have been an inaccurate prophesy. I thought to myself, I am healed physically. Mentally and emotionally I am in a great place. There’s nothing wrong with me. Let’s rewind circa 2002. I experienced my first major heartache. I had been in a relationship with this guy for six years. This was the man I thought I was going to marry. The hurt, pain, disappointment and rejection from this relationship was what I thought at the time unbearable. Let’s go back even farther to my life as a child. Like many others, I experienced a lot as a child. Both parents were addicted to drugs the most of my childhood, we lived in poverty, had very little stability in the home, our life; my life was tumultuous. Not to mention I was overweight until I began college and bullied and picked on by my peers most of my childhood. Talk about being insecure and very little confidence, I was the poster child. Then during my senior year of high school, my father left; this would make the second time that he left his family. That’s quite a bit for a child to experience regardless of their age. The typical outcomes from the trauma of being bullied, overweight, abandoned, picked on and both parents addicted to drugs became buried. Creating layer upon layer; hidden and disguised. Although the impact of trauma from those life events didn’t always manifest while I was a child, when I became an adult, it was like a barrage of behaviors begin to show up in every relationship and area of my life.

When I got pregnant with my first child, I vowed to give my son better life experiences that were different from mine as a child. I made a promise to dispel every myth and break every generational curse. It wasn’t until I got married and faced the normal marital issues that I realized I never healed. I was carrying the hurt, pain, disappointment, anger, frustration, rejection, and trauma from my childhood. Many toxic behaviors began to play out in my marriage. And to be completely transparent in all of my relationships, including parenting. I had major issues with trust. I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected. I was insecure at times with my body, especially after having two children. Every feeling and emotion that I internalized as a child were creeping up saying, “hey, remember me, I am still here, I never left”. I remember just yelling a lot and nagging at times, being inpatient, controlling, frustrated, using hurtful words. It was bad. It was very bad. It wasn’t until one night I had a moment. I had just finished getting into a screaming match with my husband. In tears I separated myself and went to a quiet place. At that moment, God revealed to me, “daughter the reason you yell and scream so much is because as a child you never had a voice. You were never able to share about your parents’ addiction. You were never able to express to them how you felt. You never stood up to your bullies and those who picked on you. You always retreated and kept everything in. The trauma from my childhood and even first real relationship were finally manifesting through damaging behaviors and wreaking havoc in all areas of my life. It was becoming overwhelming to the point where I felt as though I could not breath. I guess I really did need to be healed.

Come back in two weeks where I’ll share part two of how I began the journey to healing, self-love and self-care. Part two will be liberating for you. Come join me on this journey.